Something needs to change. I need to change. Life is literally falling apart around me and I’m sitting here hopelessly, just praying everything will get better.
And that’s just not how it works.
I need a call to action, accountability, motivation, inspiration, drive.
I need to stop procrastinating and actually make changes, check things off my list, make my life better and make life for the people around me better too.
I’ve been reading posts about people in worse situations than mine turning things around and making something better of their lives. I want to be one of those people.
Right now I am angry, scared, tired, frustrated, fed up, lost. Angry with myself and with my life. Angry that I’ve let things get this bad, and that if i cant change anything then it’s just going to get worse. I’m angry that i am not the parent i wanted to be, the parent my kids need to be. angry that i am not the husband partner i should be and that it has killed my marriage and repeatedly hurt and devistated my wife, the woman i wanted to save from those things. I am so fucking pissed off at myself for all of these things and so very much more.
I have so much in my life that is worth so much more than i value it. Yes, things have gone to shit. Yes, i am in a monsterous amount of debt. Yes, I have hurt and pushed away anyone who tried to get close to me. Yes, i am a bad parent. Yes, i am at a point in my life that i never thought i would be. And yes, I hate myself for becoming that person.
I can bitch and moan and whine about all of those things (and no doubt still will), and i can look back and see essentially this same blog post/journal entry/moment a dozen times over. none of that is going to solve a thing.
I need to seek outside help and guidance. and i need accountability for that. I will be back to post here in one week, and i will have found someone to help guide me. a counsellor, life coach, empathetic bum on the street; someone to help me move forward and start to fix things.
This site just got the purpose i never had for it before.