I’ve been in a horrid mood these last few days, and i’m not sure why. i do know that i’m tired as fuck, stressed about money and birthdays and christmas and that i fucking suck at this blogging thing.

there needs to be a quick and easy way to fix all this shit churning around inside of me. i feel like i’ve just had enough. i’m fed up with juggling everything, running around all week to get things done while trying to properly start a business and support jess with her business and being unwell. Tired of everyone wanting something from me and not feeling like i have any time to properly focus on myself or on the things i need to do.

i’m sick of feeling like shit. always being tired and run down and just not caring enough to change it all. because really, how difficult is it to get more sleep? be more organised? stop pissing money up the fucking wall and pay off some debt?

I didn’t end up following things up with the life coach. it wasn’t a good fit with my current situation, and i never did follow things up with someone else.

guess i’m just full of shit, huh?

this fucking sucks.

Ryan.

wow, what a long and tiring 2 weeks or so. had the girls dance class performance last sunday as well as a full dress rehersal on saturday morning (at which audrey decided to disappear scaring the living hell out of me for 10 minutes) as well as 3 dance classes in the week before, jess back and forth between melbourne and newcastle to support lauren, shoot a wedding in melbourne on the friday then attend a weding on the saturday before getting back sunday morning for the dance performance.

we also had friends visit in that week and jess’ little brother visit for this last week. good to see him, despite his missing a connecting train in sydney and causing us much grief. hashed out details and found a school for him moving here next year, which is a big relief for both jess and i, his situation wasn’t working for him and wasn’t supporting him for what he wants to do with his life and where he wants to go. now, we can actually help him with that. yay!

the last two weeks has left everyone here VERY tired and worn out. everyone is cranky and tired and exhausted.

i really feel like i’m at the end point of what the last few weeks & months have been leading up to, and like i can allow myself to collapse for a bit and just try to recoup. that being said, both jess and i have a tonne of work to get done and there’s the everyday life stuff that comes along with having 4 businesses and four young kids to manage, as well as bills to pay and food to buy and a house to attempt to maintain. uhg.

i’m deferring from my design course. it was a bad time to try and do it with everything going on and as they say, something had to give. i’m going to pick it up again in january and kick it’s ass.

um, and that’s it. i’m honestly too drained for much of anything, i just felt i owed this place (and myself) a post. still want to keep with the regular posting, just had a hellish fortnight.

anyway, back soon.

Ryan.

So things are stacked up already. got so much going on and so much i need to deal with in my life and in my head. so it’s really no surprise that life throws me curve balls.

My 15 weeks pregnant sister lost her baby. It was a horrifically drawn out process not helped by dumb fuck doctors and anti-termination laws. Jess is up in Newcastle now for support and to help out with our neice and nephew.

And i just found out that my brother is in no great state and i cant not try to do something.

these people. i’ve tried to have a little to do with these people as possible because in these kinds of situations jess and i never got the support we needed. i just cant do that, though. i really wish i was a heartless bastard sometimes. it would surely make dealing with these things so much easier.

FUCK!

i didn’t get to posting something yesterday. it was a really really crappy day. i’ll post later.

It was a hard thing writing yesterdays post. I was opening myself up to embarassment and vulnerability and i was showing weakness.

then i went off and emailed a few life coaches with contact details and a link to that same post.

I dont think i can really describe how difficult it is for me to not only recognise those things in a way i couldn’t avoid or ignore, but to also act on them.

I’ve been stagnate all my life. I failed highschool because I was to afraid to try lest i fail, and that’s essentially been my way of doing everything since. and all those things i posted about yesterday in particular.

It only took me a day, not a week, to find a life coach that i feel can actually help me based on the conversation we had. It’s very easy to see this as me giving up control and letting someone else fix things for me but i dont think that’s the case and i’m sure that’s not how life coaching is going to work. I’ve justified my inaction and complacency, my arogance and stubbornness all too often saying i just dont have the skills to change the things about my life that need to change. I think life coaching is me asking for help in learning those skills.

I’m going to try and keep this updated, journalling my progress. I hope i can look back on this at some point in the future and say  to my kids, and anyone else who’ll listen, “hey, look what i did. i actually made something of my life and you can to.”

I do feel slightly better about things today. so much that is going on all around me still sucks in a big way and that’s going to take a lot of time and work to get better. but i feel like i have some hope now. i haven’t honestly felt that for a long time.

Something needs to change. I need to change. Life is literally falling apart around me and I’m sitting here hopelessly, just praying everything will get better.

And that’s just not how it works.

I need a call to action, accountability, motivation, inspiration, drive.

I need to stop procrastinating and actually make changes, check things off my list, make my life better and make life for the people around me better too.

I’ve been reading posts about people in worse situations than mine turning things around and making something better of their lives. I want to be one of those people.

Right now I am angry, scared, tired, frustrated, fed up, lost. Angry with myself and with my life. Angry that I’ve let things get this bad, and that if i cant change anything then it’s just going to get worse. I’m angry that i am not the parent i wanted to be, the parent my kids need to be. angry that i am not the husband partner i should be and that it has killed my marriage and repeatedly hurt and devistated my wife, the woman i wanted to save from those things. I am so fucking pissed off at myself for all of these things and so very much more.

I have so much in my life that is worth so much more than i value it. Yes, things have gone to shit. Yes, i am in a monsterous amount of debt. Yes, I have hurt and pushed away anyone who tried to get close to me. Yes, i am a bad parent. Yes, i am at a point in my life that i never thought i would be. And yes, I hate myself for becoming that person.

I can bitch and moan and whine about all of those things (and no doubt still will), and i can look back and see essentially this same blog post/journal entry/moment a dozen times over. none of that is going to solve a thing.

I need to seek outside help and guidance. and i need accountability for that. I will be back to post here in one week, and i will have found someone to help guide me. a counsellor, life coach, empathetic bum on the street; someone to help me move forward and start to fix things.

This site just got the purpose i never had for it before.